This is a short story written by Cortney Fisher about her buddy "Smith" and his crazy job at the psych ward. Thanks for letting me post this hilariously ridiculous little treat.

So, my friend (Smith) works at a psych institution and always has really odd stories. (He hates it, by the way.) So the other night he was telling me about this new guy that someone found wondering around and suggested he admit himself. He entered the building willingly. While the nursing staff was working on his paperwork, Smith was assigned the job of “checking him in”. They have to go into a room and wand people down to make sure they don’t have anything on them, go through their belongings, etc…

So Smith starts wanding this guy and he’s beeping like crazy. Everywhere the wand passes is going off like this guy is wearing a full suit of armor under his clothes. The guy’s facial expression never changed and he had NO reaction to the crazy beeping. So Smith was like, “Hey bud, are you sure you don’t have anything on you?” This guy doesn’t respond. So Smith has to have him take his shirt off. As soon as he starts to, Smith could see that from his forearms were both wrapped in duct tape. (Obviously, strange.) There was a break in the duct tape for his elbow to bend, and it started again on his entire upper arm. Then, his entire torso was wrapped in duct tape, too.

Smith proceeds to wand his lower body, which is beeping like crazy, too. So he has to take his pants off. Same deal—tape all the way up his shins—break for knee—and around both thighs. He also noted that he smells KINDA bad. So now he has to cut all of this duct tape off to find out what’s underneath it. And this guy is hairy, so it’s just quite a project.

He starts on his one forearm and he’s cutting with scissors…then hits something that sounded like metal. So, he starts unwrapping it and this guy is screaming. He’s telling Smith he can’t live without the duct tape on him and that the lasers will kill him. Nonetheless, Smith has to keep going. He found nails, perfectly in a row…all the way around his forearm. They had been there so long, they were rusty and embedded down into his skin. He had to literally pry them out…but the marks they left were so deep it was just sick. So, he gets that all taken care of and starts cutting up the upper arm. He runs into a perfect row of pennies…all the way around his arm. Cuts up a little further…found a row of paperclips, vertically creating a perfect cuff around his arm. Same deal—deeply embedded…and an atrocious odor.

His arms were symmetrical as far as what he had under the duct tape. Then they did the legs and found q-tips, pop tabs, more nails, etc…

Then, when he went to do his chest, he said he could see something slightly sticking up right in the middle. He cut around it…and out fell a Time Warner Cable tv remote control…that left a huge dent right down the middle of his chest/stomach.

So if that’s all not weird enough—(and I kinda think it’s sad that someone would do that and truly believed he’d die without it)—the place got a hold of his family (mom & dad). This guy was like early 30’s but still lived at home with them. When the parents showed up, a counselor was asking them a bunch of questions about his behaviors. They said they knew he was covered in duct tape and had been for about 2 months…which is how long it’d been since he’d showered. But they never thought much about it.